[ That response isn't unexpected. The Instructors have all been doing this for so long. If they struggled with it at all, they would know how to deal with that by now. Otherwise, they'd go mad. ]
FROM: dartagnan@cdc.org
I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to be involved in killing so many people, and not care.
[ Armada has never lied to him. And even if he had, d'Artagnan sees no reason to doubt the claim that the CDC would destroy all he loves. It is their business to destroy. This is a threat they'll keep, and if he had any doubt at all, he still wouldn't take the risk. Not when his world would pay the penalty. ]
[ Armada has selected D'Artagnan for his potential. He has all the tools at his disposal to be uniquely important to the instructor— if he can survive. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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That makes his blood run cold, but he doesn't answer until he checks all the files again, to make sure. That classification. That means - ]
FROM: dartagnan@cdc.org
Intelligent life. That's what sentient means, isn't it? Not like the Shai.
[ Killing the Shai had made him hate himself. How much worse is it going to be, with creatures so much closer to human? ]
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Yes.
[ There is no point in hiding this fact. The next planet will cull the weak. Armada has seen it before. ]
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He can't afford to fail. But how can he do this? How can he live with himself, and do this? ]
FROM: dartagnan@cdc.org
Is it a secret? Where we're going.
[ And then, a few moments later. As if he can't help himself. ]
FROM: dartagnan@cdc.org
You told me once that what we do, it's cleaning up. That it's space that could be better used.
How could a planet like that need cleaning up?
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No.
FROM: armada@cdc.org
I do not make the rules. I follow orders to keep my contract. For whatever reason, this planet is in their way.
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What do they do when the planets are gone? What do they do with the space left behind?
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I don't know.
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Haven't you ever wanted to ask?
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Not really.
FROM: armada@cdc.org
It's unlikely I'll be back in this corner of space.
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FROM: dartagnan@cdc.org
I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to be involved in killing so many people, and not care.
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When have I ever told you not to care, D'Artagnan?
FROM: armada@cdc.org
You must learn to be pragmatic with your heart. You cannot save everyone, and so you must learn to choose who you will move the stars and moons for.
FROM: armada@cdc.org
To do anything else will not only result in your death, but those you would save.
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FROM: dartagnan@cdc.org
I made that choice when I came here. I won't let down the people I love. I can't.
FROM: dartagnan@cdc.org
That doesn't make it easier. I felt for the Shai even as I killed them. I don't know how to turn that off. If I did, I would.
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You may feel for them, but you must not let that feeling stop you from acting.
FROM: armada@cdc.org
The day you make the choice not to act will be the end.
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I know. I don't doubt you.
[ Armada has never lied to him. And even if he had, d'Artagnan sees no reason to doubt the claim that the CDC would destroy all he loves. It is their business to destroy. This is a threat they'll keep, and if he had any doubt at all, he still wouldn't take the risk. Not when his world would pay the penalty. ]
FROM: dartagnan@cdc.org
I'll act. I hate it, but I'll act. I did before.
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FROM: armada@cdc.org
I cannot help you be at ease with this. You will have to find balance in yourself. But I am here for you.
FROM: armada@cdc.org
Will you be able to lead your fellow recruits?
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FROM: dartagnan@cdc.org
I'll try. I don't want to let them down.
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Neither do you want to let me down.
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FROM: dartagnan@cdc.org
I know that.
[ There's a short delay, while he wonders whether to ask at all. He decides to risk it, because there may never be a better chance. ]
FROM: dartagnan@cdc.org
Why did you ask this of me, if you doubt that I'll be able?
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You doubt yourself.
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I'm not a fool. I know I have to get stronger.
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You still doubt yourself.
FROM: armada@cdc.org
Acknowledge your doubt and surpass it. If I thought you did not have the capacity to do so, I would not have made you a leader.
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Yes, sir.
I won't disappoint you.
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FROM: armada@cdc.org
I hope not. You have great potential.
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FROM: dartagnan@cdc.org
The Black Box. Do you think it will help?
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Yes. It will challenge you from the safety of the ship.
[ It is better to bend under that weight on the Neheda than in the field, where it will get others killed. ]
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Many of my friends have done it already. None of them found it easy
Do you still use it?
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